Liz (labelleizzy) wrote in bipolypagangeek,
Liz
labelleizzy
bipolypagangeek

#firstworldpolyproblems


unique kind of problem I have...
suburban housewife, former schoolteacher recovering from burnout. fortunate that spouse is willing to support us while I recover from that and find a new path making art and jewelry.

 

problem: me spending money on things for just me are causing him to Feel Some Feelings, especially since I am bringing in zero dollars right now.

 

Him actually being willing to share that he is Feeling Feelings about this, actually is progress. The sad part though is that the two primary expenditures that give me great pleasure, are my gym membership and time with my trainer (which does cost extra on top of the membership)  and dates with my boyfriend.

 

*sigh*
I derive a real and concrete benefit from both those things.

 

I don't know if this, the money question, is the root cause of his Feelings (which are less precise and less strong than the Usual Suspects of jealousy and envy) or if is is just the part he's able to identify and speak about.

 

and as the suburban housewife, it is hard to find someone I trust, to talk about all this with. I Feel Feelings about not having work, about dumping my problems when they feel so trivial on any of my friends (some of whom are literally struggling to pay rent and buy food, or are coping with deaths in the family)...

 

My Struggle ... Is. Is something I need to grapple with. I need to feel worthy enough to seek out challenging jobs that pay instead of strictly volunteering. I need to pay my rent on the planet somehow. I need to contribute, meaningfully, in my home, in my marriage, and in the rest of my community. I need to figure out how to balance my relationships, or if I can. and I need to start finding another way to finance the trainer. I need to keep working with her, I feel strong and healthy and capable for the first time in years.

 

exhale.

 

thanks for listening.

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